2 Man Canoe.

HiHi everyone! Happy Friday for those of you don't have a Friday EVERYDAY. I'm not bragging. Really, I'm not. :)

There has been an interesting turn of events as of last night. I guess it didn't really change anything. Just the ingredients for a sleepless night. So in actuality its not really a "turn" of anything, we (Jacey and I) are still moving forward in our 2 man canoe, and there still isn't any room for a third. Damn, that sounded so much cooler in my head.

Time: 10:30
Scene: Me on couch (Surpised? Me either.) Phone beeps.

 I just close my eyes and start to laugh at the fact that my heart started beating faster, then I felt the need to regurgitate. This is a freaking joke. 2 months! ITS BEEN OVER 2 MONTHS!!! 

He's just proving to me, and everyone else exactly what we thought from the beginning.

To be honest...i just feel strange and out of place being in this position. Because I have morals for myself. Always have. He just met me at a time when I had forgotten what they were.

I don't know what I want from him. I really don't. I think I want someone to tell me what's the best possible scenario for Jace, what's going to bring him the most happiness and least stress and I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. My feelings are just hurt.I really have no fucking idea how to handle this. None.

I think it would be different if he was really showing me that he wanted this. Ok homeboy, you texting (not even calling) asking how I'm doing isn't showing me anything but you trying to look like you're trying. I'm not an idiot.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

:(

I try to play it off like it's nothing, like theres nothing to decide. Jace's dad is an idiot and blah blah blah.Truth is I think about it every single day. Hopefully things work themselves out. They always have before...
AS YOU ALL KNOW:

It was carpet day today. A really big day in my book... I cannot stress enough how hideous that carpet was. I should have got a picture.. Let's see if I can find one that can do it justice. BINGO!  No...I'm not exaggerating. That's a replica. Let's just say...you won't be missed. So yes. Carpet was being laid so I took an adventure.

I got to see my niece and nephew this morning which always makes me feel a little better. My nephews smiling face through the window just took a huge weight off my shoulders. I took little things like family for granted before, never again. 

Then I got to meet up with an old jolly good friend of mine who over the years introduced me to many fun times... and I'm sure will continue to do so as time goes on. Jennifer, Dahling. We've watched each other grow into much different people than I think either of us expected. And love remains. Just a very caring, beautiful soul. I always treasure the times we get to spend :) I know you're reading this and... I love you<3

So after eating way to many wings, I came home and napped for 3 hours hoping that would make my tumtum feel better. FAIL. I guess Buffalo Wild Wings and I don't get along anymore. Sad day. 

Not a happy camper

All I want, day and night is glass upon glass of crushed ice and Mt. Dew. Seriously. I would replace meals with it if I could. So delicious. PLEASE. LET THE PREGNANT LADY HAVE HER CAFFEINE! :(

Blehh. I felt craptastic today. I have felt decent this entire...okay, that's a lie. I guess I was inhumanly nauseous for about the first 5 weeks before I found out my egg had definitely hatched. I literally would sleep until about 10 minutes before I had to leave for the office, be on autopilot for my ten hour day, and pass out in my clothes and do it all over again. Yep. It was like that for over a month. I was so convinced Dr. House was going to have to cure me, because I HAD to have had some rare illness that was making me barf on the daily. I, Ashley, was NOT pregnant. Pfft, jokes on me.

So yes. I woke up today just not having it. Bad mood, sluggish, sleepy, ready to verbally harass anyone who made eye contact. All of the above. Not to mention my room is obviously the Venus fly trap today. I have these beasts flying at me from every direction. I couldn't even take a nap :(

POOOOR ASHLEY!

Tomorrow will be better.
I'm going to bed early just to make sure of it.

Happy 23 Weeks!

Jacey's been chillaxing for 23 weeks now.. So like 5 whole months!
Wowzaaa. I wish I could say time is flying for me... its definitely NOT.
I feel like I updated way to much the first 3 days after I discovered blogger, because now I'm out of things to say. ha.

Jace is always dancing away in my tumtum.Yesterday I don't think he took a break from grooving in there all day long.Fine with me :)
Not much is going on around here... rooms are finished being painted and carpet will be in Friday.. We said peace out to the pukey hippie carpet tonight. *Insert every happy face possible here*
Jace's room is yellow. Only because I fell in love with this idea: So the goal is to get as close to this picture as possible minus the chandelier because well, he is a boy.

And my room is a dark Purple. Pretty flashy if I do say so myself. I don't have a picture, but use your imagination.

Let's seeeeee... anything else?  No big news other then that. OH! I did find this really neat o Halloween costume if I was one of those cutesy gals who are going out for Halloween.

Haha. I wonder what people would think if I just showed up to a party rocking this.6 months pregnant. "Hey guys, remember me?"
Just to think... this time last year I was getting like 3 spray tans a week on top of tanning to prepare for Halloween. Yeah sounds as about as attractive as it was. I thought Oompa Loompa orange made me irresistible. :)

Off to bed for us<3 Sweetest of dreams!

" Girls Gone Child "

I found this on accident. I don't know why things happen to me like that... I find what I'm suppose to find I guess. It warmed my heart :) 

All these excerpts are written by Rebecca Woolf, a young mom. She wrote a book which was conveniently on my reading list that I made a month ago. It's titled Rockabye. I finally found someone who I can mildly relate to in a sense... it's like her words are my thoughts. FINALLY, GOD HAS ANSWERED ME! :) So basically she has a blog called "Girl gone Child"(haha) and that is where I stole these from. Here's a link: http://www.girlsgonechild.net/

"I wasn't afraid to be alone. I wasn't afraid to start over. I was excited. I was relieved."

"The truth was, shallow as it sounds, I missed the party. But parties (as one so quickly learns) never miss you back."


"There is nothing wrong with who I was. Then plus now equals tomorrow. I have no regrets... I am not (nor will I ever be) defined by motherhood, but I will wholeheartedly admit that motherhood has inspired and enabled me to define myself. I would have grown up eventually. I would have been fine, more than fine even. I would have found happiness and love and dot dot dot, but that's not what happened. This is what happened. I got pregnant. I had a baby. I became myself, and THAT is what this blog is all about."


My favorite::
Girl's Gone Child, the blog about parenting and my life as a mother and Archer's life as my child and the adventures in urban-motherhood, and me and my obsession with baby hats and indie rock and how I make it all work. How I have transitioned from life as a writer/odd-job-working/commitment-phobic/care-free/ chain-smoking/table-dancing/thinker to my current life as a work-at-home mother. A mom. Mommy. Woman with offspring.
When I became pregnant, the record stopped. It had been broken, so it wasn't difficult to finish it off. A karate chop to it's ridged heart and CRASH! The pieces were on the floor. A broom and dustbin and all was gone.
I wanted everyone out of my life who had taken from me, taken and not given back. I wouldn't let them near my child. I wouldn't let them near me as he grew inside me. I erased phone numbers, contacts, friends, mostly men who had drained me financially, emotionally-- societal orphans, misfits with skateboards and spiky hair who needed Mommies. I was saving the world, one lost boy at a time but I was killing myself, without even realizing it. 


ahhh. :) I love it! 

In other news...

I now want to post something to boost my spirits because that last post was deep for me.
I don't think there is anything thats worth celebrating more than a foot that has a visible ankle. Seriously, I was so relieved to wake up this morning to an average size 7 foot. I wanted to kiss it, but I can't bend over that easily anymore. So blogging about it is all the loving it gets.

This morning I got really excited to register for my baby shower.You will probably hear about this a few more times before the shower but, contrary to popular belief... I HATE BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. There may have been a time 20 pounds ago, with long blonde hair and 2 shots of vodka in me that I loved it. Now, ughhh. But, I will suck it up because it's Jace's day for presents. Right now, my favorite piece of clothing that he has in his closet is this. OK, so it looks adult sized...its not. But he will look so stinkin cute when he goes on his little dates. :)Also he has a few button up onesies.  gahhh...and to think there was a time when I wanted a girl for my first more than a boy? Ha.

Whew, all this blogging has made me sleepy. I'm going to go back to bed for a few hours.

I don't know how to be something you miss?

This might and probably will bore most of you... it doesn't really refer to my Jacey or pregnancy at all which is what my blog is devoted to but its just a selfish rant really. I want to make sense of all these feelings I'm having, and like I said... this is cheaper than a therapist. 

That kid to the left.. I just ate him up. Everything he did or said I would soak it in. He was and still is so neat to me. I didn't care if I was the only one who saw it. No matter what he does or how he treated me... I always knew he was something special and had so much good somewhere in there. I always listened to the things he said because he was SO interesting to me.I could tell you things about him he probably
didn't even know I knew. He loved a girl with all his heart, and for years I'd have wished I could tell you that girl was me. It wasn't, and never will be. It took me quite awhile to realize that I couldn't change that. I'm not bitter or jealous anymore and I can honestly tell you I don't want to be "the girl of his dreams" and for the first time I can actually mean it.I don't remember what it feels like to be jealous or resentful of someone, because in truth...he's the only one who evoked those feelings. That's a good thing right?! I still will not talk about this with anyone. I won't even bring up his name usually, and I don't want to know what he's doing with his life. Mostly because I want to appear strong and unscathed by him, like his actions didn't affect me.  It all seems so cliche when I hear it come out of my mouth, and even seeing it on a screen.Oh just another unrequited love story. No. It was way more than that. Or was it? I just feel like words do not do my feelings justice. I can vaguely remember how my heart would race when anything that involved him came up. Instantaneously. It got addicting. Thinking "Ok, this will be the time he sees how great we would be together." That day never came. A year ago I would have told you he was the root of all my problems, he broke my heart. No. I made the decision to continue what he had made clear from the beginning was not what I wanted it to be. It wasn't his fault I cared for him like I did. It wasn't mine either. I couldn't help it, I really couldn't. Was it love? I couldn't tell ya. I deny that it was to anyone who asks. I fear the only reason I deny it, is because it wasn't reciprocated., and that shouldn't be something that I'm embarrassed about. So... it's time to let him go. Which I feel like I did awhile ago, but I like making things official. So to you: I hope someday another person excites me like you did. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I mean that. One thing we had in common was we both had a lot of loved stored up, and I KNOW we will both get to share that with someone someday. Even though you weren't trying, you taught me a lot about myself, a lot of it was hard to come by. I think it will take a Men in Black memory eraser to forget your laugh. :) And if I ever pass you by somewhere... I hope you remember me as more than just "some girl".

And that's that. 

Woo, got that off my chest.
So until that goes away... I will use this. ;)

People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future.

Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters, 1999

Not anymore Chuck... not anymore :)

Authors note: I have had this in my edit box for 2 days now. I just now have had the courage to post it...not that he will ever see it. A person should never be embarrassed for feelings, even if they weren't returned. Also, I had a dream last night and he was in it. A sign? I think so.

A girl can dream.

This is what I want for Christmas this year. Thanks in advance.

Holy Cankles.

Yep. You read right. CANKLE ALERT!
So last night, in celebration of yet another weekend spent alone. I stayed up super late... I'm usually in bed by like ohhh, 9-10:30. (Shut up, I need as much beauty rest as I can get these days.) Last night I stayed up until like 2 AM. Must've been a full moon because I was a mess. Worse than normal. I cried several times...about the dumbest things< That's me. Except not, because I would not be able to fit into what she was wearing. So, in conclusion I would cry. Its a never ending cycle. Luckily no one was around or they would have laughed hysterically at my charades, and I would probably have sat on them. Anyways.. Yes I was messy. I was laying on the couch like usual, feet propped up, got my murder mystery Dateline on one channel and my Exorcist movie on the other. What the heck is there to cry about? NOTHING. Whatever. Didn't stop me. So.. I decided to get up and go to bed finally. I stand up and think to myself, "Self, does it usually feel like this when you walk?" No self, you bring up a fine point,it doesn't. Thats when I look down and my left foot has exploded. No really. Its a biggie. My toes looks like mini sausage links. Then there it was, or more like there it wasn't. My ankle was gone. And it was only one foot that inflated, so it's not like I had nothing to compare it to. Needless to say.. I couldn't fall asleep. I thought my foot was going to fall off. Obviously it didn't. I guess, like with every other symptom of pregnancy, I did not dodge the water retention bullet. SWEET. Just wait until my wrists, neck and face swell up and I look like a blowfish!!
So..I'm trying my best to stay away from a lot of sodium and salt. Yeah, good luck. Right now, I'm feasting on some frozen veggies. I'll go ahead and lie and say they're delicious. I'll also lie and say I didn't salt them. :)

Oh boy, big day planned today my loyal readers. BIG DAY. My lovely mother painted the upstairs rooms in preparation for Jace. (I can't type or say his name without getting excited!!eeeeeek.) We are also putting in new carpet because the current carpet looks like a bad dream from the 70's. Its rainbow...with brown being the main color. I don't want Jace to think he was born into the wrong era. So in turn, I finally have to clean my room. I'm lazy... its no secret. I could blame it on being pregnant and 15 pounds heavier, but that would be falsifying information. I've always been lazy. My excuse for not having a clean room right now is this... My clothes don't fit me. None of them...it depresses me to have to hang up clothes I'm not going to be able to wear for another 4-5 months. Kick me when I'm down why don't ya?! So I have this brilliant idea to stuff them all into a black trash bag. I'm a genius. I think then my closet would consist of, 3 pairs of large mens sweats (which deserve to be hung up because they're God's gift to chubbo-me.) One pair of maternity jeans, and a bunch of long shirts I plan on covering my belly with :)
Short vent session::
My weakness?
Jace. Probably will be that way for the rest of eternity now. I read that around mid-term babe starts to react to mom's and other familiar voices, and also light! I sometimes just wish I had someone to share all this excitement with. I want someone to be just as excited as I am about every single day as we get closer to February. I'm getting used to the fact that I'm not going to have that.( Did I mention I was single?) I tell Jace about everything that's going on...only the good stuff. I also apologize to him when I cry because I feel like I should be so much stronger for him. He's a little trooper though, I just know it. Much too pretty out to be moseying around. Time for Jace and I to listen to some jams and put some skinny bitches clothes away :)

I'll post later.

Made me giggle.

Here we are!

I broke down like a sap and got a blog. I am a jobless bum for the remainder of my pregnancy and figured I might as well keep myself sane and write out a few of my never ending thoughts. Cheaper than a therapist eh? I have pregnancy brain baaaaaad. I swear I do the weirdest crap. Something will pop into my head and I will have to get on and Google it. Like last week for example. I had to look up the scariest places on earth in Iowa along with some celebrity that had a double set of eyelashes. WHYYYYY? It's not like I legitimately care. I just have to do it. Weirdo. If someone could just follow me around and see the things I do by myself, I think I would get my own show because I'm the strangest chick possibly ever.

For starters, I'm going to go ahead and say this. On a list of things woman should share with each other: HOW FREAKING TOUGH IT IS TO BE PREGNANT should be #1 "Hi, My names Ashley and being pregnant blows.".. I guess I'll be the first to say it proudly. Don't get me wrong, the excitement about meeting my little mini-me more than makes up for all this torture, but I'm not going to pretend to enjoy myself. Although I could have it sooo much worse. I'm actually rather lucky... I don't have to work for the next several months, I'm not high risk, I have a lot of support from my family and the list goes on. But jeeze louise what I would give to be able to put on some heals and skinny jeans again. I'm afraid someone would call animal patrol stating there's a large animal that escaped. SUCK IT UP, YA BABY.

Another thing I like to do to pass the time and boost my self esteem, is look at old pictures of myself when I was small and tan and had a life :) In a strange way it does make me feel better. I know no matter how good I looked then, I was still pretty miserable and lost. Now... I'm large and in charge, have the worst complexion ever that nothing can fix, and I'm pasty.. but I found my purpose.. I know that in less than 18 weeks I'll be the happiest I've been in my whole life because I will have my little man to love forever..This will all be worth it. To prove I didn't always look like this I will post some favorites of mine

Oh to be 18 and 120 pounds.... bleh.bring on the cheeseburgers.

So, after many horrid name combos my pregnant mind came up with... I am happy to announce...it was confirmed today. Jace Maddox Wyckoff<3  I belong to a Baby Club online with a lot of different message boards, and one is Baby Names. I have been frequenting that lately and today came across a post. It made up my mind. This Mama stated the obvious but it finally hit me: someday our children are going to have to learn to spell these names, friends and teachers are going to have to try and pronounce these names, at job interviews it will be that awkward moment when he shakes hands with the boss and they completely slaughters his name etc. SO TRUE! Besides, I fell in love with the name Jace from the beginning. SO THERE! Sometimes I think people just mix a bunch of letters together and try to be the first one to pick out a name. "Lobtraxky! Yep, bet no one has that name bitches." uhhh, I wonder why? Anyways. If I accomplish nothing else today. I named my babe. Satisfaction. :)

COMING SOON: large marge belly photos, more ranting and raving, and my adventures in growing up, THEN THE GRAND PREMIERE OF JACEY BOY!!!!! Feb, 6 2012... Or a few days before wouldn't hurt ;)