I don't know how to be something you miss?

This might and probably will bore most of you... it doesn't really refer to my Jacey or pregnancy at all which is what my blog is devoted to but its just a selfish rant really. I want to make sense of all these feelings I'm having, and like I said... this is cheaper than a therapist. 

That kid to the left.. I just ate him up. Everything he did or said I would soak it in. He was and still is so neat to me. I didn't care if I was the only one who saw it. No matter what he does or how he treated me... I always knew he was something special and had so much good somewhere in there. I always listened to the things he said because he was SO interesting to me.I could tell you things about him he probably
didn't even know I knew. He loved a girl with all his heart, and for years I'd have wished I could tell you that girl was me. It wasn't, and never will be. It took me quite awhile to realize that I couldn't change that. I'm not bitter or jealous anymore and I can honestly tell you I don't want to be "the girl of his dreams" and for the first time I can actually mean it.I don't remember what it feels like to be jealous or resentful of someone, because in truth...he's the only one who evoked those feelings. That's a good thing right?! I still will not talk about this with anyone. I won't even bring up his name usually, and I don't want to know what he's doing with his life. Mostly because I want to appear strong and unscathed by him, like his actions didn't affect me.  It all seems so cliche when I hear it come out of my mouth, and even seeing it on a screen.Oh just another unrequited love story. No. It was way more than that. Or was it? I just feel like words do not do my feelings justice. I can vaguely remember how my heart would race when anything that involved him came up. Instantaneously. It got addicting. Thinking "Ok, this will be the time he sees how great we would be together." That day never came. A year ago I would have told you he was the root of all my problems, he broke my heart. No. I made the decision to continue what he had made clear from the beginning was not what I wanted it to be. It wasn't his fault I cared for him like I did. It wasn't mine either. I couldn't help it, I really couldn't. Was it love? I couldn't tell ya. I deny that it was to anyone who asks. I fear the only reason I deny it, is because it wasn't reciprocated., and that shouldn't be something that I'm embarrassed about. So... it's time to let him go. Which I feel like I did awhile ago, but I like making things official. So to you: I hope someday another person excites me like you did. I wish nothing but the best for you, and I mean that. One thing we had in common was we both had a lot of loved stored up, and I KNOW we will both get to share that with someone someday. Even though you weren't trying, you taught me a lot about myself, a lot of it was hard to come by. I think it will take a Men in Black memory eraser to forget your laugh. :) And if I ever pass you by somewhere... I hope you remember me as more than just "some girl".

And that's that. 

Woo, got that off my chest.
So until that goes away... I will use this. ;)

People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future.

Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters, 1999

Not anymore Chuck... not anymore :)

Authors note: I have had this in my edit box for 2 days now. I just now have had the courage to post it...not that he will ever see it. A person should never be embarrassed for feelings, even if they weren't returned. Also, I had a dream last night and he was in it. A sign? I think so.